What’s in it for us?
The Stake of Men in Ending Violence Against Women
By Benjamin J. Overlien
As a six-foot-tall, white male with blonde hair and blue eyes, I fit the stereotype of the all-American guy. I have two kids, a house, a college education and a dead-end job at a factory in Wisconsin (which I am tirelessly working my way out of). As a person who’s scraping by to survive, looking at the way I benefit from privilege seems counterintuitive. After all, I’m working hard, I don’t have a ton of money and the American dream seems like nothing more than a dream to me. How could I possibly benefit from privilege?
As I grew up, my parents constantly reminded me of how lucky I was to have what I had—especially around the holidays. It was easy to understand the privileges my parents were referring to. They were talking about tangible items such as toys, candy, food in general, clothing and all sorts of gifts. In theory, if we could recognize the basic tangible needs of people and use our privileged position to help feed the hungry, clothe the poor, shelter the homeless, our job would be done, right? Ok, so that would be next to impossible. But, if we volunteer at a shelter, serve soup at a homeless kitchen or do a good deed, we can breathe a heavy sigh of relief and pat each other on the back, knowing that we made a difference. But, have we forgotten anything? As I grappled with this question, I had to consider what was in it for me or how privilege would even be relevant to me as a North American male.
Even though my parents had taught me to respect everyone regardless of their color, gender or ability level, it wasn’t until college that I really ‘got it.’ In fact, if not for my communications college professors who made me look at the roles gender and race privilege played, I might have been able to contently enjoy my comfortable, unexamined life. I had never considered that my life could be easier than my female counterparts, or considered the things I could take for granted as a white person. I remember reading the article, “Walking While Black, The Bill of Rights for Black Men,” by Bryonn Bain and the book, “Policing the National Body: Sex, Race and Criminalization” by Jael Silliman, Anannya Bhattacharjee, et al, and catching a glimpse at privileges I’d never even considered. I’ve never had to experience an abrupt end of a night out clubbing with the guys by being singled out and arrested on suspicion of inciting a fight/riot merely because the color of my skin. I can’t recall a time when I thought I may need someone to accompany me to my vehicle parked in a poorly lit parking garage, for fear that I may be assaulted. I can wear whatever I want without being judged. My ideas have never been second-guessed because of my gender. In general, I’m eligible to earn nearly thirty percent more than my female colleagues.
Individually, these examples are often explained as coincidences. But, collectively, they paint a picture of the systemic issues of privilege, oppression and the perpetuation of stereotypes. And, back to the basic questions: What’s in it for me? What’s my stake? Why should I care? The issues and statistics connected to gender—the fact that one in four women are sexually assaulted, one in three women are victims of domestic violence, women who are victims of homicide are most likely to be killed by their own intimate partner—are particularly difficult for men to talk about. We get defensive. Our behaviors are being challenged. We know that we personally didn’t do such a thing, so why should it matter? For me it matters because some of the most important women in my life—my mother, my daughter, the mother of my children, my sister and my significant other—happen to be women. I want to know that they are valued and respected and able to live in a world free from gender violence.
What’s in it for me?
Rethinking my privilege as a man allows me to be a better listener to my significant other, to really hear her and consider her point of view which allows me to think, feel and act in the most genuine and healthy way. I don’t have to put up a guise or a pretense; instead I can be unapologetically me. As a result, my relationship is richer with the emerging dynamic possessing greater connectedness and commonality. To believe and take the women in my life seriously, means that I will earn much greater respect as a father, brother, son and partner, which is a feeling far more fulfilling than exercising power and/or control. And, if I can learn to institute these principles with the women whom I love the most, my behavior towards other women will be affected as well, and will ultimately allow me to lead by example. The idea of changing our own behavior or challenging other men in our society to join the cause sounds like a daunting or even potentially awkward task, but it doesn’t have to be. Here are five simple things I’ve started doing that you can do too.
5 Ways Men Can be Allies to Women
- Be creative and innovative. I am going to put myself out there more, and actively and creatively speak out against sexism and violence against women. By virtue of being male, I have the power to reach more men. I’m an actor and a musician so I will tap into my own talents to make the message accessible. Using mediums of theater, videos, music, documentaries and dialogues I can use my passions to further the cause.
- Challenge colleagues at work. In my everyday life, at my job where I overhear the typical “shop talk” that often includes inappropriate or disparaging remarks about women, I’ll speak up, report the behavior, or at the very least, make my disapproval widely visible.
- Talk to people who don’t ‘get it.’ Yes, it is true. Both men and women have made mistakes in relationships and we have had our hearts broken by each other. But, it’s really important not to let a heart break leave us feeling jaded or angry with everyone from the opposite sex. I needed to educate one of my own relatives after he casually referred to women as ‘hos’ as part of his regular vocabulary.
- Don’t participate. If I receive an email containing blonde jokes, which almost always objectify women, I hit ‘delete’ rather than forwarding it on.
- Be introspective. This is hard to do, but taking a look at my own role in any given situation or the unwritten benefits of male privilege I receive, allows me to practice what I preach. Back >>
